After my spontaneous night out last Saturday, I downed some water and immediately thought: gotta get tested ASAP. Next morning, I rolled out of bed still buzzing from tequila shots and Googled clinics nearby. Grabbed my phone at 8 AM sharp, dialed the first spot that popped up.
The First Try (A Complete Waste)
Showed up Monday morning wearing yesterday’s hoodie, thinking they’d just poke my arm and give answers. Nurse took one look at me: “Honey, you’re way too early. Most infections need time to show up in tests.” My face dropped. Like, how long? She scribbled this timeline on a sticky note:
- Gonorrhea & Chlamydia: Minimum 5 days
- HIV: At least 14 days (30+ for full accuracy)
- Syphilis: 3 weeks minimum
- Hepatitis: Best after 45 days
Felt ridiculous walking out with zero tests done. Could’ve saved bus fare if I knew sooner.
The Waiting Game
Marked my calendar like exam prep: yellow highlight on Day 5 for first round. Honestly dragged like hell. Drank peppermint tea staring at that calendar while replaying every dumb choice. Friend kept texting: “You freaking out?” Damn right I was. Masturbated twice daily just to check for weird discharge.
Test Day Part 1
Day 5: Pissed in a cup at urgent care. Nurse swabbed my throat too – apparently oral stuff counts. Asked if I wanted HIV screening. “Is it reliable yet?” Her shrug said it all. Skipped it for now. Swung by Walgreens later for a chlamydia home kit ($50 down the drain).
Test Day Part 2
Day 14: Went back for bloodwork. Nurse tied that rubber tube so tight my vein popped like a garden hose. Joked about looking like a heroin addict. Zero laughs. She reminded me we’d still need a final HIV/Genital Herpes test around Day 45. Ugh.
The Results Rollercoaster
Text alert on Day 6: chlamydia negative. Did a solo kitchen dance. Day 7: Home kit showed negative too – good riddance to that scam. Blood results took forever. Clinic called me Day 17 whispering: “All clear so far.” Almost cried in that Chipotle line.
Now? Sitting here counting days until final HIV screening. Lesson burned in my brain: never skip condoms, and always check the goddamn calendar before testing. Still cheaper than a baby though.
