So last week, I overheard my buddy Dave arguing with his girlfriend. She thought he was acting way too friendly with his gym buddy. Dave kept saying “I’m straight!” but she wasn’t buying it. Got me wondering – how do people actually figure this stuff out?
Starting totally clueless
Honestly, my first thought was those dumb stereotypes. You know, like if a guy paints his nails or owns pink shirts. Went to this queer community center downtown Tuesday morning – just walked in and asked volunteers straight up: “What signs should I look for?” Felt like an idiot when this nonbinary person just stared at me and said: “My dude, you’re asking the wrong damn question.”
Took me three coffee meetings with different folks. Lisa – she’s bi herself – told me over pumpkin spice latte: “Focus less on spotting people and more on understanding. Stop treating it like some detective game.” That hit different.
Testing theories in real life
Decided to try a different approach Thursday. Asked my cousin Mike during our weekly Call of Duty session: “Yo, how’d you realize you were bi?” He laughed while sniping me in-game: “Bro, I just found myself checking out Chris Hemsworth and Scarlett Johansson equally. Didn’t need a freakin’ sign.”
Then tried another angle at Dave’s poker night. Casually asked the group: “What makes y’all think someone might not be straight?” Got these answers:
- “If he mentions ex-boyfriends?”
- “Sometimes when guys stare too long at locker rooms”
- “Honestly? Can’t tell unless they say something”
Mike actually punched my shoulder saying: “Why you obsessing over people’s business anyway?” Ouch. Literally and figuratively.
What finally clicked
Saturday morning I’m scrubbing my bathroom tiles – best thinking spot – and it dawned on me. We’d been asking:
- Can clothing tell you? Nope. Saw this guy at Walmart in rainbow shirt who turned out to be an ally.
- Does having gay friends mean anything? My straight mechanic has three gay buddies.
- What if they find same gender attractive? Mike’s the living proof here.
- Shouldn’t we just ask? Hell no – that’s personal and rude.
Remembered what that volunteer said Tuesday. Changed my whole outlook during Sunday barbecue when Dave’s girlfriend brought it up again. Told her straight: “Seriously Jen, drop the spy mission. Either trust your man or don’t.”
Where I landed
Truth is, I started this wanting some cheat code to spot bi guys. Ended up realizing that was messed up. Like Lisa said, it’s about respect, not detection. Noticed something weird too – people kept suggesting “tests” like getting the guy drunk to ask. That’s just gross.
Final takeaway after all this? Unless someone tells you themselves, you don’t need to know. And if you’re stressing about someone else’s sexuality like Jen was… maybe examine your own insecurities first. Took me four awkward conversations and a bathroom scrubbing session to get there, but damn it was worth it.
