My Messy Road to Healing Relationship Stuff
Okay, so let’s talk about relationship trauma. Sounds heavy, right? But man, it’s real. For years, I felt like I was stuck in this awful loop. One bad relationship after another. It was like I had “kick me” written on my forehead, but only for people who were, let’s just say, not great for me. It was exhausting, really.
I remember just feeling so… hollowed out after the last big one. Like, seriously, what was I doing wrong? I’d spend nights just staring at the ceiling. I blamed myself for everything. Then, when I got tired of that, I’d blame them. It was a vicious cycle, spinning round and round, getting me nowhere but dizzy. I think I spent a good year just sort of drifting, not really present, if you catch my drift. I was pretty much convinced I was just built wrong for relationships, or maybe I was just one of those people who are supposed to be alone. Pretty bleak thoughts, I tell ya.
The Turning Point – I’d Had Enough
Then, one afternoon, I was looking at myself in the mirror, and I just kinda… had this moment. Not like a lightning bolt, but more like a slow burn realization: “Okay, I am absolutely DONE feeling like this.” I was so tired of my own sad story. It hit me that if I was the common factor in all these messed-up situations, then maybe, just maybe, I had some power to change the script. That was a scary thought, not gonna lie, but also, weirdly, a bit hopeful.
So, what did I actually do? It wasn’t like I suddenly knew all the answers. My journey was, and still is, a bit of a stumble. But here’s some of the stuff I started to implement, step by step:
- I Started Actually Listening to Myself. Sounds dead simple, but it was a revelation. I had to consciously make myself sit still and just check in – how was I really feeling? Before, my antenna was always pointed outwards – what did they need, what were they thinking? Total recipe for disaster for me. I grabbed an old notebook and just started scribbling down whatever was in my head, no judgment. A lot of it was just raw emotion, angry words, confused thoughts.
- Found My “No.” Man, this was a tough one. I was a chronic people-pleaser. Saying “no” felt like I was being a jerk. But I began with small stuff. “No, I can’t do that tonight, I need some quiet time.” “No, that doesn’t really work for me.” Each time I managed it, it felt like a tiny bit of my spine straightened up.
- Spotted My Triggers. This came from all that scribbling and just paying closer attention to my reactions. I started seeing patterns. Certain types of comments, or even just a particular tone of voice, would send me down a familiar bad road. Once I could name them, I felt less ambushed. I could try to sidestep them or at least brace myself.
- Got Comfortable with My Own Company. This used to be my biggest fear. Being alone, to me, screamed “failure.” But I started small. A coffee by myself in a cafe. A walk in the park with just my thoughts. Slowly, very slowly, I began to realize that being with just me wasn’t so bad. Actually, it could be pretty peaceful. Who knew?
The Long Haul – It’s Not a Sprint, It’s a Marathon
Let me be totally upfront: this wasn’t some quick fix. There were so many days I felt like I took two steps forward and three steps back. Days I just wanted to crawl under the covers and give up. I remember this one time, I was this close to diving headfirst into another situation that had “bad news” written all over it in flashing neon letters. But because I’d been doing all this internal homework, this little voice in my head, a voice I was actually starting to trust, whispered, “Hold up.” And for once, I listened.
What Kept Me Going When It Got Tough:
- Cutting Myself Some Slack. This was huge. When I slipped up or made a mistake, instead of the old self-bashing routine, I tried to talk to myself like I’d talk to a friend who was struggling. “Alright, that wasn’t your best moment, but what can you learn from it?” Sounds a bit soft, maybe, but it made all the difference.
- Noticing the Small Wins. Healing isn’t about massive breakthroughs every day. It’s about the little shifts. Every time I managed to set a boundary, or recognized a red flag before I ignored it, or chose my own peace over potential drama, I made a mental note of it. Those little things add up.
- Owning It. Realizing that no one else could do this work for me was a biggie. Friends can be there, therapists can offer tools, but at the end of the day, the person who had to show up and do the reps? That was me. And taking that responsibility, scary as it was, also gave me back my power.
So, that’s where I’m at with it. I’m not “healed” in some perfect, final way. I don’t even think that’s a realistic goal. The real aim, for me, was to break that painful pattern and, more importantly, to build a solid, kind relationship with myself first. And you know what? Things are genuinely better. I’m more tuned in, I trust my gut feelings a lot more, and the thought of being alone doesn’t send me into a panic anymore. It’s definitely an ongoing process, a continuous learning curve. But these days, I feel like I’m the one driving my own bus, and that feels pretty good.
