Okay, so I’ve been dealing with this “selfish partner” situation, and let me tell you, it’s been a journey. I decided to really try to understand what’s going on and maybe, just maybe, get through to them.
First, I started by just observing. Like, really paying attention to the patterns. When did they tend to be more self-centered? What situations triggered it? I grabbed a notebook and just started jotting down instances. No judgment, just facts. Like, “Didn’t offer to help with dishes after I cooked a big meal,” or “Made plans without checking if I was free.” Stuff like that.
Document Everything
- Date and time
- The specific situation
- My feelings at that time
- The reaction after communicating
After a couple of weeks of this, I sat down and really looked at the data. And yeah, patterns definitely emerged. It wasn’t constant, which was interesting. It was mostly around times when they were stressed at work, or when we were dealing with their family. That was a big “aha!” moment.
Then came the hard part – talking about it. I picked a time when we were both relaxed, no pressure, just chilling on the couch. I started by saying how much I valued our relationship, and that I wanted to make things even better. I was super careful not to use accusatory language. Like, instead of “You’re always so selfish,” I went with, “I’ve noticed that sometimes, when you’re stressed, it feels like my needs aren’t being considered. For example…” and then I referred back to my notes, picking a couple of really clear examples.
The first conversation? It was…rough. There were some defenses, some “I don’t do that!” But I stayed calm, kept referring back to my notes, and focused on “I” statements. “I feel hurt when…” “I need…” That kind of thing.
It wasn’t a magic fix. We had several more conversations, spread out over weeks. Slowly, things started to change. First reaction often will be a denial.
I also started to see where I could be more proactive. I suggested we have regular check-ins, just to talk about how we were feeling about the relationship, any needs that weren’t being met. It still get back to the same problem, but in a much lesser level.
It’s still a work in progress, to be honest. But there’s been a definite improvement. They’re making a conscious effort to be more considerate, and I’m feeling more heard and valued. The biggest thing I’ve learned is that communication, done calmly and with specific examples, can actually make a difference. Even with a “selfish partner.”
