Alright friends, buckle up ’cause I tried something outta the ordinary this weekend and lemme tell ya, it ain’t as easy as the clickbait headlines make it look. Kept seeing stuff about spicing things up with a third, so figured why not give it a real shot? Total disaster, honestly. Here’s how it actually went down.
The Plan That Sounded Better Online
First off, finding someone. Thought it’d be simple – just ask a buddy. Yeah nah. Dave from work? Awkward silence when I floated the “idea” over beers. Sarah’s cousin? Even worse vibes. Finally roped in Jamie, this super chill friend-of-a-friend who kinda shrugged and said, “Eh, why not?” Mistake number one: figuring “chill” equals “down for anything.”
Setting the Scene (Sorta)
Cleared the living room, pushed the couch back. Lit some cheap candles I had leftover from last Christmas – smelled like pine and desperation. Put on some “sexy” playlist Spotify suggested. Jamie shows up, takes one look around, and goes, “This where the magic happens?” Already got the ick.
The “Tricks” That Flopped Hard
Found this list online, “10 Tricks for an Awesome Threesome!” Sounded legit. Tried ’em step-by-step:
- “Trick 1: Keep communication open!” Tried asking everyone what they wanted. Cue five minutes of mumbled “I dunno, whatever’s cool” from everyone. Dead air.
- “Trick 3: Set the mood with drinks!” Cracked open cheap wine. Jamie sipped politely; my partner Sarah choked on hers. Mostly just made everyone slightly tipsy and sleepy.
- “Trick 5: Focus on equal attention!” One minute in, realized I only got two hands and zero coordination. Sarah looked bored. Jamie looked lost. I was sweating trying to math out who needed touching next.
- “Trick 7: Playful exploration!” Tried suggesting switching partners. Sarah raised an eyebrow like “Really?” Jamie just mumbled, “Nah, I’m good here.” Awkward turtle.
- “Trick 9: Know your positions!” Googled diagrams beforehand. Absolute chaos trying to arrange three adult humans like puzzle pieces. Somebody’s elbow always in a face or a foot kicking the wine bottle.
The Cold Reality
Twenty minutes in, the vibe was colder than my leftover pizza. Sarah faked a sudden headache. Jamie suddenly “remembered an early shift.” I tripped over a candle trying to walk ’em out. Ended up cleaning wax off the rug while Sarah silently ate chips on the couch.
The Real “Awesome Experience”? Jamie texting later: “U good? That was… somethin’.” Sarah patting my head: “Let’s stick to just us next time, yeah?” Lesson slapped me in the face: Just ’cause something sounds wild online doesn’t mean it ain’t a clumsy mess offline. Props to anyone who makes it work – clearly, I’m cooked. Anyway. Enough internet advice for me.
