Listen up, folks! Today I’m gonna tell you about this thing called the “four horsemen relationship“. Sounds scary, right? It’s not about actual horses, though. It’s about how people in love, you know, like married folks, fight and argue. And how those fights can make their love go bad, like milk left out in the sun.
This smart guy, some doctor, he studied a whole bunch of couples, more than you can shake a stick at. He figured out there are four nasty ways people fight that can really mess things up. He called ’em the “four horsemen”, like in the Bible, the ones that bring all sorts of trouble.
First Horseman: Criticism
First one, he called it “criticism”. Now, it ain’t the same as just saying, “Hey, you forgot to take out the trash.” No, this one’s meaner. It’s like saying, “You’re such a lazy bum, you never take out the trash! You’re always forgetting everything!” See the difference? One’s about the trash, the other’s about the person being a bum. That’s criticism, and it hurts. If you always criticizing, that’s bad for relationship.
Second Horseman: Contempt
Then there’s the second one, “contempt”. This one’s the worst, like a rotten apple in the whole bunch. It’s when you’re not just mad, but you think you’re better than the other person. Like rolling your eyes, or sneering, or calling them names. It’s like saying, “You’re so stupid, I can’t believe I married you!” That ain’t just a fight, that’s poison. Pure poison. Contempt will kill a relationship faster than anything.
Third Horseman: Defensiveness
Now, the third one, that’s “defensiveness”. We all do this one sometimes. It’s when someone says you did something wrong, and you immediately say, “It wasn’t my fault!” or “You’re worse than me!” You’re not listening, you’re just defending yourself. Like if your man says, “You were late again,” and you say, “Well, you never help me get ready!” That’s defensiveness. It’s like building a wall instead of talking. This make relationship go bad.
Fourth Horseman: Stonewalling
And lastly, the fourth one is called “stonewalling”. That’s when you just shut down, like you’ve built a stone wall around yourself. You don’t talk, you don’t look at the person, you just ignore them. It’s like the silent treatment, but worse. It’s like saying, “I don’t even care enough to fight with you.” And that’s a sad, sad thing in a relationship.
So, these four horsemen, they’re bad news for love. If you see them riding into your relationship, you better watch out!
- Criticism, that’s attacking the person, not the problem.
- Contempt, that’s thinking you’re better than them, being mean and nasty.
- Defensiveness, that’s not listening, just defending yourself.
- Stonewalling, that’s shutting down and ignoring your partner.
Now, this doctor guy, he didn’t just say these things are bad, he also said how to fix ’em. He said there are good things to fight these horsemen, like medicine for a sickness. These good things are called “antidotes”. If your relationship is sick, try these antidotes.
Instead of criticizing, try just saying how you feel. Like, “I feel sad when the trash isn’t taken out.” That’s not attacking, that’s just saying how you feel.
Instead of contempt, try to remember why you love that person. Remember the good things, and try to be nice, even when you’re mad.
Instead of being defensive, try listening. Maybe they have a point. Try to see things from their side.
And instead of stonewalling, try to talk, even if it’s hard. Tell them you need a minute to cool down, but don’t just shut them out.
It ain’t easy, keeping a relationship good. It takes work, like tending a garden. You gotta pull out the weeds, water the flowers, and keep an eye out for those pesky horsemen. But if you love someone, it’s worth it. A good love is like a warm fire on a cold night, it keeps you going.
So, remember these four horsemen, and try your best to keep ’em away from your love. It ain’t always easy, but it’s worth fighting for. Trust me, I know a thing or two about love, and these four horsemen, they’re nothing but trouble. They will ruin your relationship.
