So I finally decided to get one of those things after seeing all the fuss online. Kinda embarrassed walking into that shop downtown, lemme tell ya. Sales guy kept smirking while I pretended to browse phone cases. Total failure.
The Damn Measuring Tape Part
Back home, locked the bathroom door like I was defusing a bomb. Grabbed that sewing tape measure Mom left years ago. Felt ridiculous trying to measure… y’know. Dropped the tape twice. Numbers came out different each try! Figured “screw it” and averaged ’em.
Website Headaches
Jumped online. Holy crap, options overload. Felt like picking a car:
- Standard hole? Tight squeeze? Super tight? Who even decides “tight”?!
- Textures sounded like ice cream flavors: Ribbed, Swirly, Bumpy Heaven??
- Colors… why neon green?
Big mistake: Went cheap first time. Chose that “Beginner Bliss” thing. Package arrived discreet… until the damn box RATTLED like maracas. Roommate definitely heard.
Trial & Error Phase
First try: Felt like shoving my business end into a frozen boot. Too damn stiff. Cleaning took forever – all them nooks!
Second try: Splurged on “Ultimate Gel-Cushion” thing. Warmer feel, but it slid everywhere. Needed two hands wrestling that slippery alien.
Third try: Hit forums. Realized firmness scale matters WAY more than squiggle patterns. Got the mid-range density “Classic Chamber” after reading 100 ranty posts about suction cups.
What Actually Worked (For Me)
Wrote this down after wasting cash:
- Girth matters over length. Forgot to measure width? Yeah. Facepalm.
- Easy Clean > Cool Texture. Smooth inside cleans fastest.
- Cases with suction cups stick to tiles. Shower wall = hands-free win. Don’t trust “handheld” grips.
Now? Store-bought embarrassment’s gone. Learned to ignore hype names like “Heavenly Vacuum”. Just give me simple tubes with decent suction holes that don’t sound like a mariachi band.
