So yesterday my buddy texts me asking for help with his relationship – says they’re basically in Hailey Bieber territory. You know, that “trial separation” vibe where everything feels brittle. Figured I’d walk through exactly what we tried, step by step.
Step 1: Facing the Awkward Elephant in the Room
First thing Tuesday morning? Made damn sure we both sat down at the kitchen table. No phones, no TV blaring. Just coffee and that heavy silence hanging between us. Wasn’t easy.
What We Actually Did:
- I started simple: “This sucks. Feels like we’re roommates sharing a fridge.”
- He didn’t argue. Just nodded. That tiny agreement felt huge.
- Set one rule: Nobody runs out if it gets uncomfortable. We stay put.
Step 2: The 10-Minute Daily Talk (No Fixing Allowed!)
Stole this from an old therapist friend. Every night after dinner, we set a timer. Ground rule: You just LISTEN. No solutions, no defending, no “But last week you…”
Wednesday night was rough. Halfway through his share, I almost snapped back. Bit my tongue instead. When the timer beeped, I said: “Okay. I heard you feel ignored during my work calls.” Didn’t apologize immediately. Didn’t justify. Big shift.
Step 3: Replacing Blame with “I Feel Like”
Thursday morning, old habits tried creeping back. He left dishes in the sink. Almost said: “You never clean up!” Swallowed it. Tried this instead:
- “When dishes pile up, I feel overwhelmed walking in.”
- He paused. Didn’t get defensive. Just said: “Didn’t realize that bugged you so much visually.”
- He washed them 10 minutes later. Small win. Huge.
Step 4: Creating One “New” Thing
Fridays used to be takeout-and-movies. Felt stale. Suggested something dumb simple: 7pm board game. Pulled out that dusty Scrabble box.
We played. Laughed when he tried spelling “quixotic” wrong. For two hours, it wasn’t about fixing us. Just playing. Realized we hadn’t laughed together like that in months.
Where We’re At Now
It’s Saturday. Still tense sometimes. Still work. But:
- We’re talking daily without the timer now
- Started a “gratitude jar” – drop notes about little things we notice/appreciate
- Went for a drive just to get ice cream – no agenda
The trial separation talk? Off the table… for now. Baby steps. It ain’t perfect, but showing up daily matters. Anyway…
