I remember sitting in my car one evening feeling really low. Sex had become this empty thing for me, like going through motions with zero feeling. At first I brushed it off as stress from work, but months went by and nothing changed. That’s when I started digging into why someone might not feel anything during sex.
My Research Phase
I hit Google hard, reading forums and articles every night for a week. The main causes kept popping up:
- Medication side effects – My damn antidepressants were probably numbing me
- Performance anxiety – Worrying about being “good enough” for my partner
- Dissociation – Mentally checking out during intimacy like it’s a defense mechanism
- Routine sex – Doing the exact same thing every time like clockwork
Lightbulb moment – I realized I was dealing with all four. Shit.
My Action Plan
Next Sunday I made a game plan while drinking awful coffee:
- Talked to my doctor about meds – turns out we could tweak dosage timing
- Scheduled “non-sex” intimacy – Just 20 minutes daily of hugging/talking with no pressure
- Bought cheap sensory stuff – Feathers, different textured fabrics, temperature play toys
- Changed positions – Literally flipped our routine upside down
The Experiment
We started slow. First week, just focused on touching exercises without penetration. Hardest part was staying present – caught myself mentally writing grocery lists multiple times. The feather tickling felt ridiculous but made us laugh.
Week two we introduced novelty. Did it on the living room floor instead of bed. Turned off lights and used touch only. Tried ice cubes – shockingly effective!
What Actually Worked
After a month of trial and error:
- Sensate focus exercises (fancy term for mindful touching) rewired my brain-body connection
- Varying speed/intensity instead of rushing to finish
- Deep breathing when I felt myself zoning out
- Morning sex – meds wore off overnight so sensations were sharper
It’s not magic – still have off days. But now I actually crave intimacy instead of dreading it. Biggest lesson? Fixing this wasn’t about fancier techniques, but rebuilding safety and presence between us.
