Figuring Out What to Say
Man, dealing with a “loss of a father message,” either sending one or just knowing someone’s going through it, it’s always a bit of a minefield, isn’t it? I’ve been there, trying to figure out the right words, and honestly, it’s mostly been a process of trial and error for me. It’s not like they hand out a manual for this stuff at school, you just gotta wing it and hope for the best.
I remember when my old pal, let’s call him Stevie, lost his dad a few years back. Stevie’s a tough guy, not one for big emotional displays, so I was really racking my brain. My first instinct, like a lot of folks I guess, was to try and find some really profound words. I actually sat down and tried to draft something, something that would sound comforting and wise. I probably spent a good hour on it, trying to get the phrasing just right.
But then I looked at it. And it just felt… fake. It sounded like something you’d read in a generic sympathy card, not like something from me, his mate. It felt like I was trying too hard, and that wasn’t going to help Stevie one bit. So, I scrapped that whole idea. My “practice,” if you can even call it that, shifted right there. I decided to just be straight up.
So, what I actually did was way simpler. I let a day or so go by, didn’t want to bombard him right away. Then I just sent him a text. Nothing fancy. It was something like: “Stevie, heard about your dad. Gutted for you, mate. No words, really. Just wanted you to know I’m thinking of you. Here if you need an ear, or just a distraction, whenever.” That was pretty much it. Short and to the point.
And you know what? A few days later, he replied. Just a quick “Thanks, man. Means a lot.” And when I saw him a bit after that, he mentioned that out of all the messages, the simple, direct ones were the ones that actually got through. He said some folks wrote essays, almost making it about their own feelings, or trying to offer solutions to something that doesn’t have one. My straightforward note, he said, was just… there. No pressure, no expectation.
It got me thinking. We put so much pressure on ourselves to say the “perfect” thing. But when someone’s grieving, especially the loss of a father, what they probably need most is just to know someone’s in their corner. Not a lecture, not a poem, just simple human support.
So, what I’ve kinda settled on, my own little system after fumbling through this a few times, involves a few basic things:
- Keep it real. If you weren’t close to their dad, don’t suddenly act like you were best buds. A simple, “I’m so sorry to hear about your father’s passing” is honest.
- Don’t make it about your own grief. Saying “I know how you feel” can sometimes fall flat, because everyone’s experience is unique. Better to acknowledge their pain.
- Offer something specific, if you can, but low-pressure. Instead of the vague “Let me know if there’s anything I can do,” maybe something like, “Thinking of you and your family. Happy to drop off a meal next week if that would help, no worries if not.”
- It’s absolutely okay for it to be short. A few heartfelt words mean more than a long, rambling message that misses the mark.
This isn’t some groundbreaking advice, you know. It’s just what I’ve picked up from trying to be a decent human when things get heavy for people I care about. It’s less about crafting the perfect “message” and more about just showing up, even if it’s just with a few simple words. Sometimes, that’s all that’s needed, and all you can really do.
