So last week at Jen’s birthday party, this random girl swore sex could totally delay your period. Sounded like bullcrap to me, but my own cycle’s been wacky lately. Figured hey – why not test it myself?
The Setup Mess
First I grabbed my period tracker app and a beat-up notebook. Didn’t even bother hiding it – my boyfriend Mike saw it lying around. “You tracking ovulation again?” he asked. Nope. Told him the wild theory. He just blinked hard and said “So… you wanna… like… experiment?” Dude looked equal parts confused and hopeful.
We agreed to “participate” during my luteal phase – that weird week before Aunt Flo visits. Tracked everything:
- Started banging daily from cycle day 18 onward
- Jotted down positions, time of day, even his stupid jokes halfway through
- Doubled up on apps: Flo for dates, Clue for symptoms
Spoiler: The notes looked like drunk doodles by day 3.
The Waiting Game Disaster
My period was due Saturday. Woke up feeling nothing. “Hell yeah!” thought my dumb ass. Mike high-fived me like we cured cancer. Got cocky – bought white jeans Sunday.
Monday morning? Cramps hit like a truck during my Zoom meeting. Had to mute and curl up on the floor. The tracker app notification popped up hours later – “Period Started.” Felt like the universe slapped me.
Checked my notebook. Three pages of useless scratch marks and one entry: “Forgot to check cervix LOL – Mike farted mid-sex ruined vibe”. Real scientific.
Epic Fail & Sad Realizations
Tried again next cycle. This time got all fancy – bought ovulation strips, took morning temps. Woke Mike up at 6AM shoving a thermometer up my vag. He threatened to sleep on the couch.
Same damn thing happened. Period arrived right on time, complete with my signature lower back pain. Only difference? I wasted $40 on useless pee sticks.
Got pissed and threw my notebook across the room. Pages flew everywhere. Mike picked one up. “Babe,” he said holding my ‘symptom chart’, “is ‘ate tacos – felt bloated and angry’ period science?”
Here’s the truth that hit me: Stress from tracking this crap actually messed with my cycle MORE than sex ever did. When that huge work deadline hit? Boom – period came a week late. That time Mike forgot our anniversary? Showed up 4 days early. Sex? Did jack squat.
Final Thoughts From a Tired Guinea Pig
Maybe it works for some unicorn women. Not for this meat sack. Our bodies play by chaotic rules. After months of this madness, I deleted three period apps and burned that stupid notebook. Mike looked relieved. Now I just toss tampons in my bag around day 28 and pray. Found more truth in chocolate than orgasms this time.
