Okay, let’s talk about something that hits a lot of us, especially around certain times of the year: divorce and holidays. It’s a beast, truly. I remember when it first became my reality, I just sort of… stared at the calendar. Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Year’s – they all felt like these giant roadblocks.
The First Few Stumbles
My first holiday season post-divorce, I genuinely thought I could just power through. I told myself, “It’s for the kids,” or “I’ll just keep things as normal as possible.” So, I went ahead and bought all the usual stuff, planned the usual meals. What a mistake. The whole time, there was this huge, empty space where my ex-partner used to be. Every tradition just felt… wrong. Like wearing shoes on the wrong feet. I remember trying to put up the tree, and I just ended up sitting on the floor, surrounded by ornaments, feeling completely overwhelmed. I even tried to coordinate with my ex about gifts for the kids, thinking we could present a united front. That just turned into another round of miscommunications and old arguments bubbling up. It was exhausting, and frankly, pretty miserable for everyone, I think.
Figuring Out a New Path
After that first disastrous round, I knew I couldn’t keep doing that. It wasn’t fair to me, and it definitely wasn’t creating happy memories for the kids. So, I had a real sit-down with myself. I had to accept that “normal” was different now. That was the biggest hurdle, honestly. Letting go of what was.
I started by thinking about what actually mattered. For me, it was seeing my kids happy and finding some peace for myself. So, the next step was to communicate – or rather, set clear boundaries around communication with my ex. We moved to mostly email for logistics. Schedules, pick-up times, who’s getting what for the kids. It took a lot of the emotion out of it. It wasn’t always smooth, but it was better than tearful phone calls or tense face-to-face handovers.
Building New Traditions, Brick by Brick
This was the part where I actually started to feel a bit of hope. I realized I didn’t have to replicate the past. I could create something new. So, I started small.
- Instead of the massive, stressful Christmas dinner we used to have, I started a Christmas Eve pajama party with the kids. We’d order pizza, watch cheesy holiday movies, and just chill. No pressure.
- For Thanksgiving, if the kids were with their other parent, I’d make plans with friends, or even just plan a really nice day for myself. A hike, a movie marathon, whatever felt good. I learned that being alone didn’t have to mean being lonely.
- I let go of the idea that gifts had to be perfectly coordinated with my ex. I focused on what I wanted to give the kids, from my heart. Less about the “stuff,” more about the thought.
I also had to learn to manage other people’s expectations. Extended family sometimes had their own ideas about how things should be. I had to get comfortable saying, “This is what works for us this year.” It wasn’t easy, and sometimes feelings got a little ruffled, but my priority had to be my new little family unit and my own well-being.
Where I’m At Now
Years down the line, holidays are… different. They’re not what they used to be, and that’s okay. Some years are easier than others. Sometimes there’s a pang of the old sadness. But mostly, we’ve found our new rhythm. The new traditions have become our traditions. I focused on what I could control: my reactions, my home environment, and the new memories I wanted to build.
It was a process, a lot of trial and error. I definitely didn’t get it right straight away. But by taking it step by step, focusing on creating new, positive experiences, and being kind to myself, the holidays eventually stopped being something to dread and started being something we could actually look forward to again, in our own way. It’s still a work in progress sometimes, but isn’t everything?
