Okay, so, here’s the lowdown on how I actually went about telling my husband I wanted a separation. It wasn’t pretty, but hey, what is, right?
First, I waited for the “right” time. Big mistake. There’s never a right time. I kept putting it off, thinking, “Oh, after his birthday,” or “After the holidays.” Just rip off the band-aid, trust me.
Then, I started writing stuff down. Like, why I wanted the separation. This wasn’t for him, really. It was for me, to get my head straight. I jotted down all the little things that had been bugging me, the big things, everything. It helped me organize my thoughts.
Next, I picked a place. Not our house. Too much history, too easy to get emotional and distracted. I chose a coffee shop, neutral ground. Public enough that things wouldn’t get too out of hand, but private enough to have a real conversation.
I rehearsed. Sounded stupid when I said it out loud to myself, but it helped me feel a little more prepared. I didn’t want to sound accusatory or angry. I wanted to be clear and calm. Key word: wanted.
Alright, the day. I met him at the coffee shop. My hands were sweating like crazy. I ordered a tea, he got a coffee. We made small talk about the weather, typical BS.
Deep breath. I started with something like, “I need to talk to you about something important.” Super original, I know. But it got his attention.
Then, I just said it. “I think we need a separation.” No beating around the bush. Just straight to the point. I saw the color drain from his face. Not fun.
I explained my reasons, as calmly as I could. This is where the notes came in handy. I didn’t read them verbatim, but they kept me on track. I focused on “I” statements, not “You” statements. Like, “I feel like we’ve grown apart,” instead of “You never listen to me.”
He was… shocked. Hurt. Angry. All the emotions. He asked a lot of questions. Some were fair, some were not. I tried to answer them honestly, without getting defensive.
Things got heated. We both cried. I just kept repeating that I wasn’t trying to hurt him, but I needed to do this for myself.
We talked for hours. About our history, our future, everything. We didn’t come to any firm conclusions that day, but I got it out there. The hardest part was over.
After that, it was a process. We talked more, we considered counseling (didn’t work for us), we figured out the logistics of living separately. It was messy, but we got through it.
Looking back, I wish I hadn’t waited so long. And maybe I could have been a little more gentle. But honestly, there’s no easy way to tell someone you want to end a marriage. Just be honest, be clear, and be prepared for it to suck.
- Be direct. Don’t sugarcoat it.
- Explain your reasons. But don’t get lost in the blame game.
- Listen to what he has to say. Even if it’s hard to hear.
- Be prepared for a range of emotions. From both of you.
- Take your time. This is a big decision, and it deserves careful consideration.
That’s my story. Hope it helps someone out there. Good luck.
