Alright, let’s talk about Gottman’s Four Horsemen. I’ve been trying to get a handle on this stuff, and let me tell you, it’s been a real eye-opener. I heard about these “Four Horsemen” that can supposedly predict the end of a relationship, and I thought, “No way, that sounds dramatic.” But the more I read, the more I was like, “Oh crap, I’ve seen this before.”
So, I started by digging into what these horsemen actually are. Gottman, this relationship guru, he calls them Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness, and Stonewalling. Sounds intense, right? I decided to observe my own interactions, and those of my friends, to see if these things were actually happening. It’s kind of like being a relationship detective.
Breaking Down the Horsemen
- Criticism: This one’s more than just complaining. It’s when you attack someone’s character instead of just talking about the problem. I noticed I did this sometimes, making things personal when I was annoyed. Like, instead of saying “Hey, can you help with the dishes?” I’d say something like, “You’re so lazy, you never help.” Yikes, right?
- Contempt: This is the worst one, according to Gottman. It’s basically being a total jerk – mocking, eye-rolling, name-calling. I observed a friend doing this to her partner, and it was rough to watch. It’s like, pure disrespect. I realized I sometimes let sarcasm slip into this territory, and that’s not cool.
- Defensiveness: This is when you deflect blame instead of owning up to your part. I’m guilty of this one. Instead of just saying “Yeah, my bad,” I’d start making excuses or turning it back on the other person. I saw how this just escalates things and solves nothing.
- Stonewalling: This is basically shutting down, giving the silent treatment. I noticed a friend doing this – just completely withdrawing during an argument. It’s like hitting a brick wall. I tried to imagine being on the receiving end, and it must be so frustrating.
After observing all this, I decided to work on changing my own behavior. Instead of criticizing, I tried using “I” statements, focusing on how I feel instead of attacking. For contempt, I started catching myself when I felt that sarcasm coming on and tried to express my needs more directly. To combat defensiveness, I practiced just listening and taking responsibility. It’s hard, but it makes a difference. And for stonewalling, I realized I need to communicate that I need a break instead of just shutting down.
It’s been a real journey, and I’m still working on it. But recognizing these patterns was the first step. I encourage anyone to take a look at their own relationships and see if these horsemen are showing up. It’s not about being perfect, but about trying to communicate better. Trust me, it’s worth the effort.
