I saw a phrase today – “pursuer and distancer” – and it got me thinking about my own relationship patterns. I’ve definitely been on both sides of that equation. So, I figured, why not try to figure this stuff out and see if I can break some of these old habits?
First, I spent some time just thinking about my past relationships, the good and the bad. I tried to be really honest with myself about how I acted, how I felt, and what went wrong, and what is right. It wasn’t always pretty, but it was definitely eye-opening. I started to see some patterns for sure. Sometimes I’d be the one pushing for more closeness, more talking, more everything – total pursuer mode. Other times, I’d be the one pulling back, needing space, feeling smothered – classic distancer stuff.
Then, I dug into some relationship stuff that I have. I read articles, watched some videos, and even flipped through some of those old self-help books I’ve got lying around. I was looking for anything that could help me understand why I kept doing the same things over and over again.
My action
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Started journaling: I decided to start writing down my feelings and thoughts about my current relationship. Nothing fancy, just a few lines each day about what’s going on and how I’m reacting to things. This has been super helpful for spotting my triggers and seeing those pursuer/distancer tendencies in action.
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Talked to my partner: Okay, this was a big one. I finally worked up the nerve to talk to my partner about all of this. I explained the whole pursuer-distancer thing and how I thought we might be falling into that trap. It was a tough conversation, but it was necessary. We both agreed to be more mindful of our actions and to talk more openly about our needs.
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Practiced self-awareness: This is an ongoing thing. I’m trying to be more aware of my emotions in the moment. When I feel myself starting to chase or withdraw, I take a step back, breathe, and try to figure out what’s really going on. It’s not easy, but I think it’s making a difference.
It’s been a few weeks now, and honestly, things are feeling different, better. We’re communicating more, fighting less, and generally just feeling more connected. I know we’ve still got a long way to go, but I’m feeling hopeful. It’s like I’ve finally figured out the rules to a game I’ve been playing my whole life without realizing it. And now that I know the rules, I can finally start playing to win. Or, you know, at least to have a healthier, happier relationship. That’s the real win, right?
