So, I’ve been thinking a lot about control in relationships lately. It’s something I’ve struggled with, and I know I’m not alone. I used to think that controlling behavior was all about being bossy and manipulative, but it’s way more complicated than that.
It all started when I was with my ex. I didn’t realize it at the time, but I was always trying to manage everything. I’d make all the plans, decide where we’d go to eat, and even try to influence what they wore. I thought I was just being helpful, you know, taking the lead. But really, I was scared of not being in control.
I started by constantly checking in, not out of care, but to keep tabs. This wasn’t just about big decisions; it was the little things, too. Like, I’d get upset if they wanted to hang out with friends without me. It wasn’t about trust; it was about my fear of missing out, of not being the center of their world.
Then, I moved on to offering “advice” that was really more like directions. I’d tell them how to handle situations with their family or work, thinking I knew better. I wasn’t trying to support them; I was trying to mold their decisions to what I thought was best. In my head, I was helping, but looking back, I was just being a control freak.
- I began keeping track of their whereabouts, not because I didn’t trust them, but because I felt anxious when I didn’t know what they were up to.
- I started picking apart their choices, from what they ate to who they hung out with, always under the guise of “caring” about their well-being.
- I made it a habit to “help” them make decisions, big or small, always steering them towards what I thought was the right choice, not what they wanted.
Things got worse when I tried to fix their problems without them asking me to. If they were having a tough time, I’d jump in with solutions, not even letting them vent. I thought I was being a good partner, but I was really just trying to control the situation, make it better in my own way, without considering what they needed. After that thing with my ex, I took a long hard look at myself. That breakup really hurt, but it was a wake-up call that I needed to change things about myself.
Breaking this habit wasn’t easy. I started by forcing myself to listen more and talk less. When they shared something, instead of jumping in with advice or solutions, I just listened. It was tough, but it was the first step in showing that I valued their feelings and thoughts, not just my own.
It was like, I had to learn to let go, to trust that they could handle things on their own. It was a whole process, and I’m still working on it, but I’m getting better. I realized that real love isn’t about control; it’s about support and trust. It’s about being there for someone, not trying to run their life. And to be honest, letting go of that need for control has made me feel a lot more at peace, too. It’s a win-win, really.
