So here’s how my Tuesday went down. Woke up feeling like my stomach kept turning, you know? That gut punch feeling when you know something’s messed up but can’t quite nail it. Went through his phone while he was snoring. Big mistake. Found the texts. Sat on the bathroom floor crying till my knees hurt. Yeah. D-Day.
The Messy Middle
First week was pure chaos. Cried into coffee mugs. Yelled at the dog. Threw his favorite shirt in the trash (dug it out later). Couldn’t eat. Couldn’t sleep. Felt like my body was on fire and ice at the same time. Didn’t shower for three days straight. Embarrassing? Sure. But let’s keep it real.
Finally dragged myself to therapy. Slumped in that ugly beige chair and spilled everything. Therapist said something smart: “Stop treating your pain like an enemy. It’s a messenger.” Weirdly made sense.
What Actually Moved the Needle
- Stole the dog for walks. Every sunrise. Didn’t think. Didn’t talk. Just put one foot in front of the other watching Buddy sniff every mailbox.
- Bought a red notebook. Wrote down every ugly thought. Every scream. Every memory. Filled 27 pages in two weeks. When the anger hit? Scribbled so hard the pen tore through paper.
- Said “pass” to pretending. Stopped forcing smiles at barbecues. Told mom: “Not today.” Sat alone eating chips in my car during a family reunion. Not proud. But necessary.
- Set one stupid boundary. Told him: “Phones charge in the kitchen overnight”. Did it matter? Not really. But locking my phone felt like building a tiny fortress.
- Got blood drawn. Yep. Doctor tested everything when I mentioned the insomnia. Turns out my cortisol was through the roof. Started magnesium. Slept four hours straight last week. Small win.
Where I’m At Now
Some days still suck. Found his charging cord in the bedroom last Tuesday. Relapsed hard. Sobbed in the shower with my clothes on. But here’s the shift – I didn’t blame myself for crying. Just ordered pizza and watched cartoons till the snotty mess dried up.
Started noticing weird moments last week. Laughed at a coffee stain on my shirt. Noticed the sunset was pink. Felt my shoulders relax during traffic. Tiny cracks of light.
If you’re drowning in this crap right now? Do this: Go find your bathroom floor. Sit there. Breathe. Then tomorrow? Buy the red notebook.
