Okay so this week I tried something new after watching way too much adult content. You know those scenes where everything looks effortless and perfect? Yeah, I wanted to see what’d happen if I actually tried the fingering techniques they show. Spoiler: reality check incoming.
How it started
Me and my partner were chilling Saturday night after some wine. I got curious and thought “let’s try that porn move where the guy slides fingers in super smooth”. Didn’t say anything, just went for it while we were making out. Big mistake number one.
The messy reality
First surprise? Way drier than expected. Porn never shows lube bottles but holy shit we needed it. When I finally got a finger in, she froze up and asked “why are you jabbing me down there?”. Turns out I was pushing way too hard like those actors do. Second surprise? That “come hither” motion they always do? Felt like I was trying to scratch an itch inside a glove. She just sighed and said “can we stop?”
After we cleaned up, we talked for hours. Learned three things porn never shows:
- Lube isn’t optional – those quick entries? Fake. Need way more wetness.
- Pressure is painful – shoving deep just hurts, gentle circles work better
- Communication > assumptions – should’ve asked what she wanted first
Tips from epic failure
Since failing publicly is my brand, here’s how I’d do it now:
- Wash hands twice – clipped nails matter more than you think
- Lube BEFORE starting – keep that bottle bedside, no shame
- Go slo-mo – porn speed is for cameras, real life needs warming up
- Ask “here or higher?” – let her guide your hand, don’t guess
Tried again last night doing all this. Night and day difference. She actually giggled when I asked “clockwise or counter?” Moral of the story? Porn’s like action movies – cool stunts but terrible instruction manual. Real life needs talking, lube, and going at grandma’s pace.
