Getting Real About This Whole Sex Thing
Okay, look. I spent years just… coasting. Dating felt like a chore sometimes, ya know? Hookups, relationships, the whole deal. Always kinda wondered why we put ourselves through it all besides the obvious feel-good stuff. Felt like a massive puzzle box everyone else seemed to open except me.
So, I decided, screw it. Instead of guessing or reading fancy theories, I’d try to figure it out my own way. Like a personal project. Started simple: for the next month, I actually paid attention. Not just during, but before, after… the whole shebang. What was I feeling? What changed? Did it actually matter outside the bedroom?
First step? Got myself a cheap notebook, one of those black-and-white composition things. Called it “The Bedroom Log” – felt ridiculous, honestly. But I needed to write stuff down. Every. Single. Time. Not graphic details, nah. More like:
- How did I feel right before? Stressed? Happy? Bored?
- What was I actually looking for? Just fun? Connection? Stress relief?
- How did it actually go? Quick and easy? Drawn-out and messy?
- And crucially: how did I feel after? Like an hour later? Next morning? Next week?
- Did it change how I interacted with that person later? Did it change me that day?
Man, keeping up was harder than I thought. Some days I’d totally forget to write anything. Felt stupid scribbling notes after someone fell asleep. Almost quit week two. But I forced myself to stick it out, even if it was just three words scribbled in the dark.
Here’s the curveball: the “good” times weren’t always followed by the “good” feelings I expected. Sometimes a super quick thing left me feeling weirdly relaxed and focused the whole next day. Other times, a long, supposedly “perfect” session just left me antsy and kinda irritated afterward. Total head-scratcher.
The real lightbulb moment hit me three weeks in. Was seeing this person kinda casually. Had a pretty decent hookup one afternoon. Fine, whatever. But later that same day, we had to work together on this annoying shared project online. Normally, I’d get frustrated with their procrastination. This time? Totally different. I found myself being way more patient, listening better, actually wanting them to get their part right. Afterward, I flipped back to my notebook notes. Realized the pattern: the times after sex where I felt genuinely closer or more calmly connected, however briefly, seemed to directly spill over into how I treated them later, even for totally unrelated stuff. The times it was just physical? That feeling vanished fast, and I’d snap back to my usual impatient self.
Dug deeper. Started noticing the awkward bits. The weird silences after sometimes. The times it felt forced. How getting rejected sucked way worse when I realized I was actually hoping for that connection hit, not just the action. Made me cringe, honestly. Exposed some dumb habits I had.
By the end of the month, the notebook was messy, full of scribbles and half-finished thoughts. But the point wasn’t some clean answer. It was messy just like life. The real takeaway? It stopped being this giant “Sex Mystery” in my head. Turned out the “why” wasn’t hidden in some grand biological purpose, at least not purely. It was way simpler, and way more complicated, all at once: it matters because it creates these little moments that bleed into everything else. A decent connection afterward? Leaked into patience, focus, even kindness later that day. Just friction? That leaked too, into tension, annoyance, distance. Realized I’d been chasing the “perfect” sex for the wrong reasons – should’ve been chasing the quality of the connection, however brief or simple it was. Changed how I approach the whole thing now. Less pressure to perform, more focus on showing up for the person next to me, even just for that hour. Weirdly less stressful.
