Ok let me just be real about something I figured out recently. My partner and I kept having these stupid fights about why we weren’t having sex more often. Like seriously? Arguing about NOT having sex? Made zero sense until I actually sat down and picked apart why we kept doing this crap.
So Here’s What I Did
First I started keeping notes for a month. Every time we got into one of these arguments I scribbled down what happened right before, where we were, what got said. Felt kinda like a detective tracking bad vibes.
The 3 Stupid Reasons This Kept Happening
- Tiredness turning into blame: Like that Thursday I came home wrecked from work. Partner tried to initiate, I said “not tonight.” Instead of saying “ok,” they snapped “You never want me anymore.” Boom – fight. My notes showed this happened 73% of the time when one of us was exhausted. Exhaustion = quick to take things personally.
- Assuming the worst: Remember that Netflix night? We were cuddling on the couch, I got up to pee. When I came back they were facing away scrolling Instagram. I immediately thought “they’re mad cause I didn’t make a move.” So I said something snarky like “Fine ignore me.” Total misunderstanding snowballed into a fight. My notebook had 5 other times where one of us imagined rejection that didn’t happen.
- Old crap resurfacing: That fight about dishes? Started about whose turn it was to load dishwasher somehow ended with partner yelling “You forgot our anniversary dinner last month too!” Went zero to nuclear in 2 minutes. Realized we kept using sex drought as ammo for unrelated past grievances. Saw this pattern 4 times in 30 days.
How We Actually Stopped the Madness
Armed with my notebook data, we tried 3 concrete fixes:
- Made an “exhaustion rule”: If someone says “too tired,” the other must say “okay” and drop it. No questions, no guilt. Saved us 4 potential fights already.
- Started using “hold that thought” cards – literally index cards we hand each other when sensing an assumption spiral. Forces 15-min timeout to reset.
- Created a “no baggage” rule during sex talks. If old issues come up, we say “different bucket” and table it for Tuesday therapy sessions. Prevents grenade throwing.
Results? Three weeks no sex fights. Not saying we’re perfect, but catching those three stupid patterns cut 90% of the drama. Feels like we hacked our own brains sometimes.
