So I kept seeing those cheesy pickup lines all over Instagram and TikTok, like dudes thinking saying “Are you a parking ticket? ‘Cause you got FINE written all over you” actually works. Total cringe. Figured I’d test the absolute worst dirty ones myself just to see how bad they bomb. Grabbed my notebook, went solo to three different bars downtown last Friday night ready for maximum awkwardness.
The Testing Ground Rules
Wore normal jeans and tee, zero fancy vibes. Picked spots by the pool table or bar counter where people looked relaxed. Approached women alone or in small groups – never interrupted deep convo. Said each line exactly as written with zero charm added. Chugged water instead of alcohol so I’d remember reactions clearly. Took notes in bathroom stalls between attempts.
The Fail Parade
First disaster: Walked up to this girl ordering vodka soda at Bar #1. Dropped this gem: “Baby are you a microwave? Because I want to Mmm your buttons all night long”. She froze mid-sip, gave me dead eyes like I kicked her puppy, then turned her back so hard her ponytail whipped my face. Two guys nearby started laughing into their beers.
Second attempt: Saw a woman at Bar #2 stacking empty glasses for the bartender. Tried: “If I said you had beautiful body parts, would you hold it against me?”. She just raised one eyebrow slow-mo, picked up her tray and said “Seriously?” before walking off. Didn’t even break stride.
Third strike: Group of girls playing darts at Bar #3. Locked eyes with one smiling lady. Went for: “Is your name Lucky Charm? ‘Cause you look magically DELICIOUS”. Whole group burst out laughing – not with me, AT me. One yelled “Ewwww!” while another fake gagged. Got a pity high-five from drunk dude nearby though.
Epic Faceplant Moments
My personal top 5 worst performers:
- “Hey is your dad in jail? Cause if I stole you away tonight he’d hunt me down” – Got “Call security” look immediately
- “Let’s play carpenter – first I drill you then I hammer you” – Actual recoil reaction like I was radioactive
- “Do you swallow?” (yup that’s a real line some idiots use) – Immediate red face & “Fck off creep” combo
- “Wanna play Titanic? You scream like Rose and I’ll crash like iceberg” – Zero comprehension then nervous giggles
- “You must be KFC chicken ‘cause I’m lickin’ my fingers later” – Got compared to her “creepy uncle Gary”
Final score? 23 attempts, zero numbers, four security glances, and one drink spilled by someone backing away too fast. Proof positive that nasty pickup lines just make everyone uncomfortable as hell.
Aftermath Thoughts
Walked home at 2am smelling like stale beer and failure. Weird thing is – the normal conversations I had without cheesy lines actually went fine! Chatted about music and jobs by the jukebox, no pickup garbage needed. Moral of this dumpster fire experiment? Trying to sound edgy just makes you look desperate. If your opening line includes references to appliances, body parts or fast food – just shut your whole mouth and start over.
