Today I wanna share how I learned the hard way that explaining isn’t the same as defending. It started last week at work. I accidentally stabbed him verbally during a project meeting. My teammate Mark mentioned my report was missing some data. My face got hot instantly.
My first reaction was awful. I cut him off mid-sentence. Jumped straight into defense mode. Started rapid-firing reasons at him like a machine gun: “I didn’t get the numbers in time from Sarah!” “You never told me we needed that specific metric!” “The deadline was too tight anyway!”. I kept talking faster and faster, watching his face get this closed-off look. Total shutdown. Didn’t hear a word after “deadline”.
Later, drinking cheap coffee alone in the break room, it hit me. That wasn’t explaining. That was just me trying to win an argument, scrambling to prove I wasn’t wrong. Failed spectacularly. Figured I needed to actually practice different responses.
Next day, I deliberately looked for chances. Over lunch, Sarah pointed out a typo in my presentation deck. Felt that familiar hot urge to justify (“Well, I stayed up late finishing it!”), BUT paused instead. Took a breath. Tried explaining instead: “Oh wow, thanks for catching that Sarah. Yeah, I must have rushed the proofread last night. Appreciate you flagging it.” Then stopped talking. No pile of excuses after. Shockingly, she just smiled and said “No worries! Happens to me all the time.” Peaceful resolution. Weird.
Got a clearer picture after paying attention all week:
- Defending feels like throwing up reasons. Your voice gets louder. You interrupt. It’s about winning, blame-shifting, proving “I’m not bad.”
- Explaining feels like laying out facts. Quieter tone. Measured pace. You actually stop talking. It’s about sharing context, like “This is why thing A happened.”
- The other person’s face tells you everything. Defense = eyes glaze over or shut down. Explain = they actually nod, process it, maybe ask a follow-up.
Put it to a bigger test with Mark again. Same project, different issue. He asked why a task was delayed. Deep breath. Didn’t mention his vague email or the impossible deadline he set. Just explained: “Yeah, the vendor sent the final specs later than promised, which set us back a full day. I had to wait on them to finalize our piece.” Short. Calm. Stopped talking. Mark just sighed, “Those vendors, right? Okay, let’s see where we can claw back time.” No fireworks. Just… solved it.
Key takeaways from this mess:
- Pause before speaking when criticized. That half-second lets you choose explain mode.
- State the ‘why’ once, neutrally. Avoid dumping ten reasons.
- Shut up after explaining. Let the other person absorb it. Defending usually needs you to keep piling it on.
Still slip up sometimes when I’m stressed? Hell yes. But catching myself way more now. Feels less exhausting than constantly defending my corner. Progress.
