So, I decided to really look into this whole thing, you know? The title of this experiment was basically “watch porn. to…” and the “to” part was what I really wanted to figure out. What was the actual point, or the actual effect, if I was honest with myself?
My little experiment setup
I didn’t have a lab or anything. My “practice” was more about observation. For a while, I just paid close attention. Not just to the act, if you get me, but to everything around it. What led to it? What happened after? How did it actually make me feel, not just in the moment, but hours later, or the next day?
I sort of treated it like a project. Logged my own reactions, my focus levels, my general mood. Sounds a bit much, maybe, but I wanted to see the patterns for myself, not just read what others say.
What I started noticing
Well, a few things became pretty clear, pretty fast.
- The time sink: Obvious one, right? But it wasn’t just the minutes spent. It was like a black hole for mental energy too. I’d go in thinking “just a little bit,” and then an hour would be gone, poof. And not just gone, but I’d feel drained, not energized.
- The expectation game: This was a big one. Real life, real interactions, they started to feel… dull? Less exciting? It’s like eating super sugary candy all day, then a normal apple tastes like nothing. That’s what it felt like it was doing to my brain’s reward system.
- Focus, what focus?: After a session, trying to concentrate on actual work, or even a good book? Forget it. My brain was all fizzed up, like a shaken soda can. It craved that quick hit, that intense stimulus, and anything less felt boring and hard to stick with.
- The emotional rollercoaster (that only goes down): Sure, there’s that brief moment of whatever, but then? I often felt a bit empty, or even a bit crummy about myself. Like, “was that really the best use of my time and energy?” Almost always, the answer was a big fat no.
So, what’s the “to”?
For me, the “to” in “watch porn. to…” ended up being “to realize it wasn’t really giving me much of value.” It was more like a subtle thief, stealing time, focus, and a bit of my appreciation for the real, less flashy parts of life. It’s like those free-to-play games, you know? They seem free, but they cost you in other ways, ways you don’t always see at first.
My “practice” wasn’t about judging anyone else, not at all. It was just about me, trying to be honest about what this particular habit was doing for me and to me. And honestly, once I saw it laid out, the cost felt way too high for what little it offered. I found I was better off investing that time and mental space elsewhere. Big surprise, right? Sometimes the simplest conclusions take the longest to actually reach and accept.
