Alright, let’s talk about something that’s probably more common than we think, but man, it can really mess with your head. For a while there, I was dealing with this really frustrating issue: I’d keep going soft during sex. It was confusing, embarrassing, and honestly, it started to make me dread intimacy, which is the last thing you want.
Figuring Out What Was Going On
So, first things first, I started to really pay attention to when it was happening. Was it every time? Only with certain partners? (Though, for me, it was with my long-term partner, so that made it a bit different). Was I super tired? Had I had too much to drink? The usual suspects, you know?
I tried to rule out the easy stuff. I cut back on booze before we’d get intimate. Made sure I wasn’t completely exhausted from work. Small changes. Sometimes it helped a tiny bit, sometimes not at all. It was like a frustrating puzzle.
Then I started to think, “Okay, what’s going on in my head?”
- Stress: This was a big one. Work was nuts, life felt chaotic. I realized I was bringing all that tension into the bedroom without even meaning to.
- Pressure: The more it happened, the more I worried about it happening again. Vicious cycle, right? I’d be in the moment, and then this little voice would pop up, “Is it going to happen this time?” Boom. Mood killer.
- Connection: Sometimes, I felt like my partner and I weren’t fully on the same page, not in a bad way, but just… distracted. Like we were going through the motions a bit.
What I Started Doing About It
So, I didn’t just want to sit there and let it ruin things. I decided to try a few approaches, my own little experiments, you could say.
First, I had a chat with my partner. This was tough, not gonna lie. It’s a vulnerable thing to talk about. But it was so important. Just getting it out in the open lifted a weight. She was understanding, which helped massively. We agreed to take the pressure off. The goal wasn’t “performance,” it was connection and pleasure, however that looked.
Then, I really focused on managing my stress. For me, that meant a few things:
- I started taking short walks in the evening to clear my head. Nothing crazy, just 20-30 minutes.
- I tried to consciously leave work stress at the door. Easier said than done, I know, but I made an effort.
- We made sure the lead-up to sex was more relaxed. More foreplay, more just chilling and talking, less rushing into it.
Another thing was staying in the moment. When that anxious voice started, I’d try to refocus on my senses. What I was feeling, touching, smelling. Sounds a bit hippy-dippy, maybe, but it helped ground me instead of letting my thoughts spiral.
We also played around with things a bit. Tried different positions, different times of day. Sometimes just changing the routine can shake things up in a good way.
Where I’m At Now
Look, I’m not going to say it’s like a magic switch was flipped and the problem vanished overnight. It took time and patience. But things are so much better. It happens way, way less. And when it does occasionally try to make an appearance, I don’t panic anymore. We both know how to handle it – usually with a laugh or just a pause, and then we can often get back on track, or just enjoy being close in other ways.
The biggest thing I learned was that it’s often not some huge, scary medical thing (though if you’re really worried, see a doctor, obviously – I’m just sharing my own path). For me, it was a mix of mental stuff, stress, and communication. Addressing those things, being open, and taking the pressure off made all the difference.
So, if you’re going through this, you’re not alone. It’s okay to talk about it, and it’s definitely possible to work through it. It just takes a bit of figuring out what’s going on with you.
