Okay, so today I wanted to get real about something we all deal with in relationships: figuring out our wants and needs. It sounds simple, but it can be a real headache, right? So, I decided to actually sit down and work through it myself, and I’m gonna share how I did it.
Brain Dump Time
First, I grabbed a notebook and pen – yeah, old school, but it works best for me. I started by just free-writing everything that popped into my head about what I want and need from a partner and a relationship. No filtering, no judging, just letting it all flow. I wrote down things like:
- “I want someone who makes me laugh.”
- “I need to feel respected.”
- “I want lots of cuddles.”
- “I need space to pursue my hobbies.”
I just kept writing until I felt like I’d emptied my brain. It was a bit of a mess, honestly, a mix of big things and small things all jumbled together.
Sorting it Out
Next, I took a break. I went for a walk, cleared my head, and then came back to my list with fresh eyes. I started to categorize things. I used different colored highlighters: one for “needs” (the non-negotiables) and another for “wants” (the nice-to-haves).
This was the tricky part. I really had to ask myself, “Is this something I absolutely need to be happy, or is it just something I’d really like?” For example, I realized that “feeling respected” was a definite need. But “someone who loves to travel as much as I do” was more of a want.
Getting Specific
After highlighting, I rewrote my list, making two separate columns: Needs and Wants. Then, under each item, I tried to get even more specific. So, instead of just “I need to feel respected,” I wrote, “I need my partner to listen to my opinions, even if they disagree, and to value my input.” For “I want lots of cuddles,” I added, “I want physical affection regularly, like hand-holding and hugs.”
Being super clear and detailed, and making this difference visible, is really important for communication down the road.
Reflecting and Revising
Finally, I took some time to reflect on my lists. I asked myself:
- Are these needs and wants realistic?
- Are they fair?
- Are they truly mine, or are they influenced by what I think I should want?
I even talked it over with a close friend to get an outside perspective. This helped me to tweak a few things and feel more confident in my final lists.
What Comes Next
So, that’s it! That’s how I worked through my wants and needs in a relationship. Of course, it’s an ongoing process. We grow, we change, and our needs and wants might evolve too. But having this clear understanding of where I’m at right now feels incredibly empowering. I can not only do this better in future relationships, but work on it and discuss these things openly and honestly in my present one.
I hope that sharing how I tackled this is at least somewhat helpful! I, personally, am going to use this to start a conversation, and that’s always a win in my book.
