Okay, here’s my blog post about the “Four Horsemen” in a relationship, written from my personal experience:
So, I’ve been doing a lot of reading lately about relationships, trying to figure out why some work and some… well, don’t. I stumbled across this thing called “The Four Horsemen,” and it really hit home. It’s basically four communication styles that can totally wreck a relationship, according to some relationship guru named Dr. John Gottman.
My Deep Dive into Relationship Wreckers
I decided to really dig into this, and I’m going to tell you how I did it, not just what it’s about. It all started on a Sunday morning, I wanted to find out what the four horsemen in a relationship were. I took out my phone and did some research, that’s when I found out what it meant.
It was actually very simple, I just had to keep looking and researching until I figured it out.
- First up: Criticism. Not just, like, “Hey, you forgot to take out the trash,” but more like, “You ALWAYS forget to take out the trash! You’re so irresponsible!” See the difference? It’s attacking the person, not the behavior.
I started observing my own interactions. Catching myself when I slipped into criticism-mode was tough! I realized I did it more than I thought, especially when I was stressed. So, I started consciously replacing “you” statements with “I” statements. Like, instead of “You never listen,” I’d try “I feel unheard when…” It felt awkward at first, but it made a HUGE difference.
- Next: Contempt. This one is nasty. It’s basically being mean – eye-rolling, sarcasm, name-calling, mocking. It’s saying, “You’re beneath me.”
I Observed some couples arguing. Ouch. Contempt is like relationship poison. It’s so disrespectful. I noticed how quickly things escalated when contempt showed up. To fight this, I focused on building appreciation. I started actively looking for things I admired and appreciated in my partner and voicing them. Even little things, like “Thanks for making coffee this morning, it was perfect.”
- Third: Defensiveness. This is when you automatically deflect any blame. “It’s not my fault!” “I didn’t do anything!” “Why are you always blaming me?”
I had a big fight with my partner that week, and it was a defensiveness-fest. Neither of us wanted to take responsibility. It was a stalemate. Afterward, I realized how unproductive it was. I started practicing taking responsibility, even for a small part of the problem. “You’re right, I could have been more clear about that.” It defused tension surprisingly well.
- Lastly: Stonewalling. This is shutting down, withdrawing, going silent. It’s like building a wall between you and your partner.
I Tried to initiate a tough conversation, and my partner just… shut down. It was so frustrating! I felt like I was talking to a wall. I realized that sometimes people need time to process, but complete silence isn’t helpful. I learned to say, “I need a few minutes to think, but I promise we’ll talk about this.” It’s about staying connected, even when you need space.
The Result
The whole thing has been an eye-opener. Actively observing my own behavior, and also observing other people, has made me realize how important to avoid such behaviors. It’s not about being perfect, it’s about being aware and trying to communicate in a healthier way. And honestly, it’s made a real difference in my relationship. It’s still a work in progress, but it feels like we’re on a much better path.
