Okay, so I’ve been hearing a lot about these “Four Horsemen” in relationships, and how they can totally wreck things if you’re not careful. I figured it was time to really dig in and see how these things were playing out in my own life, and, well, it was a bit of an eye-opener.
Facing the Facts
First, I had to actually understand what these “horsemen” even were. I did some digging, you know, the usual internet rabbit hole. Turns out, they’re basically these four communication styles that are super toxic: criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. Sounds dramatic, right? Like something out of a soap opera. But the more I read, the more I started to see bits of them creeping into my own relationship.
The Observation Game
So, I started paying way closer attention to how my partner and I were talking to each other, especially when we were arguing. It was kinda like being a detective in my own life. I really started to look how we talk.
- Criticism: This one was sneaky. It wasn’t just saying “I don’t like it when you do that.” It was more like attacking their character. “You always leave your dishes in the sink! You’re so inconsiderate!” Ouch.
- Contempt: This was the real nasty one. Eye-rolling, sarcasm, name-calling, basically acting like you’re superior. It’s like, pure disrespect. I definitely caught myself doing some eye-rolling. Double ouch.
- Defensiveness: This was my go-to. Instead of actually listening to what my partner was saying, I’d immediately jump to defending myself. “It’s not my fault!” “You do it too!” It’s like building a wall instead of trying to understand.
- Stonewalling: This is the shutdown. Just completely withdrawing from the conversation, going silent, refusing to engage. I realized I do this when I get overwhelmed. It’s like hitting the escape button, but it leaves the other person feeling totally abandoned.
The Awkward Part: Seeing Myself
I have to adimit it, it’s not a comfortable feeling that I started find these patterns in my own behavior. I used to have all these examples *’s like holding up a mirror and not liking what you see. But, you know, you can’t fix a problem if you don’t acknowledge it, right?
Making Changes, One Step at a Time
So, I started trying to be more mindful of how I was communicating. It was, and still is, a work in progress. I am trying to do the following things recently.
- Instead of criticizing, I tried to focus on expressing my feelings using “I” statements. “I feel frustrated when the dishes pile up.” It’s less accusatory.
- Contempt? Yeah, that had to go. I started to remind myself that we’re on the same team, even when we’re disagreeing.
- When I felt myself getting defensive, I tried to take a deep breath and actually listen. It’s harder than it sounds!
- Instead of stonewalling, I’m learning to say, “I need a few minutes to cool down, but I promise we’ll talk about this.” It’s about staying connected, even when things get tough.
The Long Haul
It’s definitely not a perfect process. There are still times when I slip up, when the old patterns come back. But I’m trying. And I think that’s the key. It’s about being aware, being willing to put in the work, and remembering that healthy communication is the foundation of any strong relationship. This whole “Four Horsemen” thing, it’s a wake-up call. It’s a reminder that relationships take effort, and that even the smallest changes in how we communicate can make a huge difference.
