Alright, so I’ve been digging into this thing called Gottman’s Four Horsemen. You know, from that relationship guru, John Gottman? It’s all about those nasty communication habits that can really screw up a relationship. I figured I’d give it a shot, see if it’s all it’s cracked up to be. So I started paying attention to my own interactions with my wife, and with my best friend.
First, I had to actually figure out what these “Four Horsemen” are. Basically, it’s like this:
- Criticism: This isn’t just saying what’s wrong. It’s attacking someone’s character. Like, instead of “Hey, you forgot to take out the trash,” it’s “You’re so lazy, you never remember anything!” Ouch, right?
- Contempt: This one’s the worst. It’s basically being a total jerk – name-calling, eye-rolling, sarcasm, the whole nine yards. It’s like saying, “I’m better than you.” No good.
- Defensiveness: This is when you play the victim instead of owning up to your part. “It’s not my fault the trash didn’t go out, you didn’t remind me!” See? Deflecting.
- Stonewalling: This is just shutting down, ignoring the other person, giving them the silent treatment. It’s like building a wall between you.
So, I started watching myself, and man, it was eye-opening. I caught myself being critical more often than I’d like to admit, especially when I was stressed out about work. I realized I sometimes used sarcasm with my best friend that probably came across as contemptuous, even though I didn’t mean it that way.
Once I started noticing these patterns, I tried to actively change them. Instead of criticizing, I tried to focus on the specific behavior that was bothering me, and I tried to express it without attacking anyone’s character. When I felt myself getting defensive, I tried to take a deep breath and really listen to what the other person was saying. And if I felt like shutting down, I told myself that it’s better to communicate, even if it’s tough.
The 5:1 Thing
Then there’s this 5:1 ratio thing. Gottman says that for every negative interaction, you need five positive ones to keep things balanced. So, I started making a conscious effort to do more nice things, say more positive things, just to balance out those inevitable slip-ups with the horsemen.
Honestly, it wasn’t easy. It takes a lot of self-awareness and effort. But I do think it made a difference. I felt like my communication with my wife and my friend got a little smoother, a little less tense. We had fewer arguments, and when we did argue, it didn’t escalate as much.
It’s not like everything’s perfect now, but I definitely see the value in this Gottman stuff. It’s like a toolkit for better communication, and I think it’s worth a shot for anyone who wants to improve their relationships. I know I’m going to keep working on it. I mean the point of life is to try and be happy, right? The end.
