So last Tuesday after another pointless fight about laundry, I Googled “my marriage sucks” at 2am. Yeah, real mature. That’s when this Five Two Love Divorce thing popped up. Sounded like some scammy self-help junk, but hey, my credit card was already out.
The 5 Signs Check (& My Cringe Reality)
Their free checklist hit way too close to home. I pulled it up and started sweating:
- “Silent Meals” – Uh, yeah. Last night’s dinner? Me scrolling Twitter, her re-watching The Office… silence so thick you could spread it on toast. Check.
- “Argument Loops” – We could argue about who forgot to buy toothpaste using the exact same lines from 2018. Groundhog Day sucks. Check.
- “Roommate Vibe” – Paying bills together? Sure. Actual warmth or flirting? Felt like asking my actual roommate for a back rub. Awkward. Big Check.
- “Future Fog” – They asked about making vacation plans next year. My brain just went “static noise”. Couldn’t picture us six months ahead. Check.
- “Touch Avoidance” – Accidentally brushed hands reaching for the remote? We both jerked back like it was electric. Yep. Final Check. Damn.
Step 1: Shut Up & Listen (For Real)
Step one said “Listen Without Preparing Your Defense.” Tried it Thursday night. Sat down, looked at her, and said “You okay?”. She launched into how work stress was crushing her, and how I seemed checked out. My usual MO? Jump in with “But YOU did this thing…” Nope. Bit my tongue raw. Just… nodded. Asked “Anything else?”. Her expression? Utter shock. Then… more talking. Actual feelings. Who knew?
Step 2: Schedule The Awkward (Seriously)
Step two demanded Scheduled Positive Interaction. Translation: force the fun. Sounded painful. Agreed to watch a dumb action movie she liked Sunday afternoon. No phones. My brain itched. Twenty minutes in, we both yelled “DID YOU SEE THAT?!” when the hero blew up a helicopter with a toothpick. Laughed stupidly. Felt… weirdly okay? Even held hands for like, a minute. Didn’t spontaneously combust.
Step 3: The “Small Stones” Metaphor (& My Panic)
Step three was vague: “Address Small Stones Before They Become Mountains.” Okay? Picked one tiny “stone”. That overflowing bathroom sink she’d mentioned once weeks ago? Fixed it Saturday morning. Took ten minutes. When she noticed? She didn’t cheer, but got this little surprised frown. “Oh. You fixed it.” And then… a tiny smile? Maybe? It felt like defusing a bomb with safety scissors. Ridiculous but weirdly satisfying.
Bottom Line After One Week?
Is my marriage suddenly firework rainbows? Hell no. Still bickers over whose turn it is to take out the compost. But those silent meals? We managed two actual conversations about stupid stuff like birdwatching neighbors. The constant low-level dread? Faded from deafening roar to annoying buzz. Does this “Five Two” stuff magically work? Dunno. But forcing ourselves past the automatic anger/shutdown loop finally let some air back in the room. Wifey even muttered it was “not totally useless.” High praise. We’re doing Step 2 again tomorrow. Wish us luck. Or send snacks.
